This week didn’t exactly go to plan. Instead of trying to see the positive sides of the lockdown, I found myself having quite a significant meltdown. I don’t remember the last time I cried so hard. I sobbed and sobbed until I had nothing left to give.
I don’t quite know how, but everything seems to have come to a head this week. I’m one of those people who keeps their thoughts and feelings locked away until one day, completely unannounced, they erupt, smashing through the emotional barriers I worked so hard to build up. I suppose I should have known this meltdown was on the cards.
At the beginning of the lockdown, I felt I was keeping pretty upbeat. I tried to get myself excited about the endless possibilities of virtual entertainment. Maybe the lockdown was exactly what I needed. More quality time with my boyfriend, the opportunity to learn new skills and the chance to rekindle friendships that life sometimes gets in the way of.
What I didn’t do at any point was connect with how I was really feeling. Every time I had a pang of fear that my loved ones would fall victim to coronavirus or got anxious about stepping outside my front door, I buried my feelings. If I ignored how I was feeling, it wasn’t really happening. In some weird way, I thought I was protecting myself, but what I was actually doing was trampling all over my mental health.
So, it was kind of inevitable everything would eventually get on top of me. It’s impossible to escape the coronavirus. Every time you turn on the TV you hear more tragic stories of death and despair, which eventually bring all those buried feelings simmering to the surface.
As I was sobbing about my coronavirus anxieties, I felt incredibly guilty. I’m employed, have a loving boyfriend and the most amazing parents I could ever wish for. What right do I have to be upset? So many people are going through incredible difficulties at the moment and here I am getting myself worked up in my own negativity. I felt I didn’t have the right to be as upset as I was.
Here’s the thing. What we’re living through now is entirely unique. Never in our lifetimes has much of the world been forced into lockdown. It is affecting everyone in their own ways. If you feel like you need to have a cry every now and again, do it. Don’t try and keep it in. Letting your emotions out will be far better for you than bottling everything up inside.
Despite my eyes looking like I had been in a fight with Mike Tyson, I’m glad I had my meltdown. It forced me to take a step back and face my feelings. From now on, I will be more honest with myself and my loved ones. There’s no right way to come through this and I’m ok with that now. I actually think I might come out of this lockdown a stronger person.
